I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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