I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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