I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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