Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
