I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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