What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
