I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
