god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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