I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
