I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
