Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
