If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
