Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
