The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
