How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
