Where is the hickey?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
