So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize