did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
