Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
