My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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