I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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