is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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