If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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