RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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