Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
