a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
