i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You do realize itβs only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that sheβs hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
