chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
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