my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
