Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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