Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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