For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize