Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
