She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Im part way to drunk.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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