my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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