Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
