Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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