it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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