I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
