Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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