she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize