her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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