You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He felt like a one man threesome
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
