I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
