R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize