Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
