I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
