My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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