So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
