Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
how does that bad decision feel?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
