I just threw up on my dentist
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
