I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
