Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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