Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
