it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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