Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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