I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
